im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
