I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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