do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
