grandma shit on top of the toilet
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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