just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
