I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
