so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
