Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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