Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
