I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
