not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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