____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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