Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
