where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
