his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
