I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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