I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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