yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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