Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
