Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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