Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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