Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
