i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
