I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
