i wish my penis had a tongue
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
