My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
