he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
