she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
