I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
