I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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