The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
