I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize