All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
