Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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