tonight lets celebrate not being married
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
