so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
