May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
