why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
