is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
