I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
