Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
