my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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