The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
