well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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