I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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