I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
