just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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