FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
