Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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