The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
