I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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