i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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