barbara walters just said penis...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
organizing the empties. That sober.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
