Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My vagina is officially offended.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
