Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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