I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
